dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
