Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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