I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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