I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
