hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
