The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
