Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
