I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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