There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
