I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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