How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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