Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
