Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
