I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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