I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
