Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
