Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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