It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
