i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
