I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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