I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
