you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
