My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
