i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
