So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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