I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
