cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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