Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
