Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
