Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
