I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
