I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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