Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
