Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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