got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
