I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
