Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
