Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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