What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
