Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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