dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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