My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
