The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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