she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
