Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
