I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
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Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.