you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
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I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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