From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
