so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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