he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
