i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
