Is it because I queefed?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You may now shotgun with the bride
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
