so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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