I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
