Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
