Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
